Sometimes choices are required and there is a major time limit on these decisions. Do I? Should I? What if? I gave up being concerned with those questions almost two years ago. Hell, maybe even before that. Life is too short right? Old people say that all the time. I always rolled my eyes. Now I'm saying it, and if a young person is saying it... you should listen. Life is too god damn short. No one is in control and if you think you are, you are in total denial. There is no higher power that is going to save your ass or help you decide anything. You find out you have something awful, something that might eventually kill you and you are given options. Oh great, options? So I have to choose my fate. No one wants to deal with that. Do this and live maybe, or do that and die maybe?
When all this cancer bs started, I was asked to think about a bone marrow transplant to forever get rid of my exact type of cancer, of course I could get a different cancer, and of course the transplant is very risky and there was a high risk of dying. Not to mention having to live in a germ free bubble half dead from the chemo they would have to give me for a few months, and bleeding out during the transplant, and the infection risk is a little insane.. do I need to go on? Now if I was older and had a chance to see everything I wanted to see maybe the risk would be worth not having treatments... but I had a goal. I just wanted to see Alexis graduate from high school, making the treatments and the heart surgery clearly worth it and not thinking again about the marrow decision.
Graduation day, very moving for mothers, of course I sobbed several times, oddly enough not for the normal reasons people cry at those events. Alexis has succeeded in everything she has ever attempted. I was so happy she is moving forward to another successful stage of her life. Happy enough to cry? Sure, but as proud as I was of my daughter I was thinking of some other things. Some people's graduations that were not as happy as the one we were attending. Alexis had a friend named Kate, she passed away a few years ago during a heart transplant attempt. She should have been on that stage that day with Alexis and the rest of her class. Everyone wore a purple ribbon in Kate's honor, it was her favorite color. Kate wasn't there, which was so unfair so I cried.
I had a cousin, she passed away from a rare form of cancer right before her daughter graduated high school this month. I had not seen my cousin in a very long time but found out she lost her battle of many years right before some huge events, I was crushed hearing this, putting myself in her shoes for a second.. it could have been me missing prom, awards, graduation, first day of college...
I am lucky, and sadly that is all this is about. Luck. Maybe some strength and a large amount of goofing off helped. Not to mention the love and support of friends and family. But there was a huge chance of me not being there for that graduation. So I am damn lucky I got to see it. My goal was met and now I need a new one. Its hard to think if I want more short term or long term goals set now. My treatments continue for the next two years, and I am so damn lucky I can keep working, playing, and meeting goals during them.
Congrats Lex! Nice job baby. Love u.
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